*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
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My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
*me flirting
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess