By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Oh yeah that’s it
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.