I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My love language is hissing.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
screw you
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???