Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.