Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
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Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Has there ever been a more American story?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.