[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”