If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.