A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
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How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I have obtained a hat
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Think I pulled my liver
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.