Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”