oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
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“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Planet of the Apps.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
first you must answer his riddles
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.