If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
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Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
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People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
A French press is when you hug naked
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.