why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!