i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
You Might Also Like
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Knock Knock
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.