Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Before & after 😅
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.