‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
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My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?