If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.