[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Just a phase…
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now