Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing