Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
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I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Greeting humans vs their dogs
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.