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Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain