After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
You Might Also Like
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.