My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Pickled cat.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.