My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
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Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
no their not
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.