My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”