i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
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I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
channeling her this year
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
who did the taste test?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.