Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
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It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”