Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
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You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Try and stop me.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.