Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
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If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.