Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
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True statement👍😏😁
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day