dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
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If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
A great tip. #CakeRex
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck