Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
just gave your address to some spiders
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times