Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
#milo
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.