One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
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ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Happens to everyone.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.