Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
You Might Also Like
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
don’t we all
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
uh oh
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners