Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
You Might Also Like
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Lmao 🤣
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.