me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
You Might Also Like
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion