I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.