Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
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and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
#merica
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.