Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
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me: my friends:
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Smallpox sounds so adorable