I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
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Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with