I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?