I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
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4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
CUTE CAT‼︎
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
*pokes sex life with a stick
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater