Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
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Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Never let them know your next move 😂
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart