Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth