Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
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Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.