genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.