My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
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One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
girls literally only want one thing..
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?