my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
So inspired right now.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.