—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
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Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Do not go gentle into that good night,