The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink